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This class helped me learn alot about conflict. My views on conflict were quite narrow and I was the type of person who saw conflict as always being negative. Throughout this semester, I have learned that conflict is a necessary part of our daily lives. it is how we manage conflict that leads to it either being negative or positive. I feel that I have better conflict management skills after taking this class. I can actually stop, think and listen now rather than just yelling or getting mad. The most important skill I have gained this semester is being able to turn a conflict into a positive situation. Arguments and confrontation will happen whether we like it or not, but now I am able to turn those bad situations into positive ones. Overall, I feel that I have a better view on conflict and am better able to make the best out of the situations I face.

Forgiving

Someone who has been hard for me to forgive in the last few years used to be my best friend in high school. He was the only guy friend I really had that I trusted and we were great friends. We ended up going to SJSU together and everything changed. What I really cannot forgive is how he became a person who pretended as if we were never really good friends. It is hard for me to forgive because the relationship we had was not that easy to break, but he just became a different person and acted as if I wasn’t his best friend. We barely talk now. I think the last time we spoke was 1 year ago. He made no effort to rebuild our friendship, and when we did talk I told him we would never be friends like we used to be again. I think we both just mutually gave up and I do not consider him a good friend anymore. It is difficult to forgive him because the way he handled the situation. Even if I do forgive, things still won’t be the same.

Social Networking

I have never really been the type of person to post personal feelings or problems on Facebook. I think this is good because it helps present myself in a more positive way online rather than constantly posting emotions. I don’t really think about impressions people will get from me just because I rarely use Facebook. But, the impression they most likely get is that I am a happy and random person. There have been a few times I wish people had not posted certain things on my profile because it makes me look as if I am affiliated with whatever they posted. People usually tag their friends in advertisement pictures or spam and I do not like those. This relates to conflict and communication because you have to know how to handle those conflicts, in this case those posts you don’t like, and know how to manage it accordingly.

Unbalanced Relationships

Relationships require both people to participate equally. This includes that both should have the same amount of power so that one is not belittled by the other. Being in an unbalanced power relationship can lead to unhappiness, discomfort, low self esteem, and can even result in violence. Being in this type of relationship is neither healthy nor fun. If you feel that someone is controlling you than it is a sign that they have power over you. On the other hand, when you have power over someone, it may make you feel good at first, but you will never make that person truly happy. Having power can be great but it can also be destructive. In many instances, people take their authority over board and abuse their power. An example of this would be at the work place. It is an employee’s duty to do their job but it is also a boss’s duty to not belittle their workers. In many cases, employees will be scared of their boss and will never stand up for themselves because they need the job. A boss should know their power limits and have boundaries so that the work place will not become an uncomfortable environment with unbalanced power relationships.

Competition and Cooperation

A concept I enjoyed from this chapter was competition VS cooperation. Competition is something we are used to because many events consist of it such as sports, beauty, fashion, intelligence and much more. We are constantly competing with others over something and some of that competition is fun but most of it can turn ugly. On the other hand, we do not usually see cooperation because it is the idea of helping each other instead of going head to head.

Competition is huge in the media because we always cheer for our sports team to beat the other. This is something the whole world does so not that big of a deal. It is when the competition gets out of hand and people do not know how to handle it, that it gets dangerous.

Cooperation should be made more public because instead of always trying to be the best or the first, we can help each other and achieve whatever the goal is.

As for myself, I usually find myself in football competitions. I am a Niner Faithful so I will always cheer for my team, but at times the competition with friends who root for other teams can become uneasy. I think that we should all respect each other’s teams and of course we will root for our team, but we should cooperate not to let it get out of hand and make a simple fun sports game turn into an ugly fight and even the end of a friendship.

Trust Can Make or Break Relationships

Having a healthy and good relationship most certainly requires trust. This can be in any type of relationship whether it is friends, family or significant others.

I have lost trust in many people throughout my life and most of those people I no longer speak to. There are different levels of trust and each person has their own limits as to what they can and cannot handle. The person I want to talk about for this post is my dad. My dad is wonderful and has always been there for me, but I do not have that close father-daughter relationship with him. We speak and all, but it is not the way it used to be and I do not think it will ever be like that again.

As I grew up and started understanding issues of trust and relationships, I realized my dad would always lie to me and my mom. Not about cheating on her, but about the smallest things that are just ridiculous to me. He has always had issues with saving money and that is where he broke the trust I had with him. He just cannot keep his word and that really ended our close relationship. The trust I had in him will never be restored because every time I give him a chance and try to trust him, he just messes up again. Of course we will always be close, but not the way we used to because of those trust issues that will always linger in my mind. This makes me feel bad because I wish I had that “daddy’s little girl” relationship with my dad, but I realized and came to terms that it will not happen.

Trust is a big issue in all relationships. Once it is lost, it is difficult for both sides to continue having that good relationship.

"I" rather than "you"

A concept that really stood out to me in this chapter was the personalized communication language where you use “I” statements rather than “you”. I never really took time to realize how much of a difference using I instead of you can make. Using you statements “emphasizes what we think is wrong with the other instead of identifying our feelings” (76). When we identify our feelings rather than pointing out the other persons flaws, we can better communicate with them.

I think that if I start expressing what I feel, instead of pointing out the bad things other people do, I will not have as much bad conflict; rather I will have good constructive conflict where we express our feelings and don’t point the finger at each other. This is something I will try to work better on and I will see what difference it makes in my communication with others.

Hearing VS listening

When I am talking to someone, most of the time I catch myself just thinking about my own opinions rather than hearing the other person out. Depending on what the conversation is about, I will try to get my ideas and thoughts out and not concentrate on the other person’s ideas. Although I catch myself doing this many times, I still believe I am a good listener. If someone has to talk to me and needs a shoulder to lean on I am there but it is when the conversation involves me that I become a bit of a bad listener.

A personal example would be when it comes to my boyfriend and I. When we talk, I usually just want to get my ideas out and although I listen, I can be stubborn and just focus on my thoughts. On the other hand, when my friends need advice or just someone to talk to, I am always there to listen and I actually hear them out. So I guess it just depends on who it is with and what relationship I have with that person. When it comes to being able to write down what they said, I think I would be able to. Even though I am trying to process my ideas, I still hear what they are saying and get it I just choose not to deeply listen to it. 

Ending conflicts

Conflicts can be very hard for me and sometimes I let my emotions take over and that makes it harder to end that conflict. When I do try to stop the conflict it is pretty hard because I like to speak my mind and find it hard to hold myself back. Also, if the other person is not open to ending the conflict then it becomes even harder because no matter what you say or do, the conflict will continue until both parties want to end it.

The S-TLC system is a great way to approach conflict but is not easy to achieve for everyone. It is something I will try to work on for future conflicts. I do prefer to stop and think before trying to deal with a conflict because after thinking my mind isn’t so scattered and my emotions have calmed down. This becomes hard depending on what the conflict is because sometimes I just want to deal with it then and there even though I know I should stop, think and give it some time before doing anything.

Techniques for solving problems

We use problem solving in our daily lives, whether it is at work, home, or any other place where you communicate with others. Some techniques that we may use for solving problems are fractionation, framing, reframing, and common ground.

Fractionation is breaking down a complex issue into smaller manageable ones. We can do this at work by breaking up the issue and trying to fix one at a time.

Framing is when mediators ask questions that avoid blaming or the passing of judgments. We can do this at home or at school when we try to resolve an issue between people without making them feel like we are judging them.

Reframing is when mediators restate a negative comment from one party so that it sounds better and less negative so that the other party can view it differently. This can happen a lot with kids because they usually understand things differently if said by a different person in a different manner.

Common ground is when both parties communicate and find something they can equally agree on. This can be seen at the work place when employees and employers can find a common ground for the situation.

What makes a good mediator?

Mediators are to be neutral and not choose either side. They are there to restore communication and allow for the conflict to be discussed. As a communication majors, we are taught how to effectively communicate with a diversity of people without passing judgment. We are always reminded to keep our minds open and not be biased. This would make a good mediator because we would keep an open mind with both parties and effectively communicate with them.

It may be difficult for lawyers and psychotherapists to do this because they are usually faced with legal cases and mostly have to choose one side to defend or go against. It is harder for them to play the role of mediator because they would not have as much of an open mind and would pass judgment easily. Being a mediator is not a easy task and one must have proper training in order to successfully be a mediator.

Effective communication

A concept from this chapter I found really helpful was the three aspects for effective communication; the occasion, the other person and your needs. It is important to consider the occasion you are in. This is important because it will depict what type of behavior will be used. The other person must be kept in mind to communicate effectively because if you disregard them, there is no communication. We must see the needs of different people and realize who they are in our lives. For example, parents and co-workers have different influences in your life so you must see what their individual needs are. Your own needs are also important because we do not want to always make put our needs first but neither do we want to never consider our needs. We must assess the importance of our needs in the situation.  I thought this concept was interesting because it is hard to think of all these aspects when communicating. I tend to sometimes forget other people’s needs and I lean towards my needs. After reading this, I think I realized why some of my communication is not effective. Something that happened to me recently was that I had a conflict with my dad. At the time I was only thinking about my needs and not his so we kept bumping heads. After a while I started to understand his side of the story so we ended up having a good talk. 

Discipline VS Punishment

It can be very hard to discipline a child in a good manner without going too far. Many parents have this issue because they simply do not know how to deal with their rebellious child. On the other hand, many parents have an issue holding themselves back even when the child is not “bad”. There is a fine line between appropriate discipline and punishment.

When a child is disciplined, they are learning from their mistakes and have privileges taken away. Many people think that spanking a child is child abuse but I do not see it this way. When I first came to America at the age of 6, we were always taught at school that if your parents ever hit you you should call 911. I do not think this is something teachers should say because then whenever a parent is trying to discipline a child and spanks them, the child automatically feels abused. A light spanking on the butt or a harsh tone are not child abuse, but a disciplinary act.

Punishment is a way of trying to get a child to listen but is usually ineffective. Punishment is different than discipline because when a child is punished they usually are spanked, and most of the time not lightly. When a parent begins to harm their child and leaves them bruised or hurt, they are punishing too much. This is how parents overstep their authority. Just because a child is “bad” or even when they are not is not a reason to extremely hurt them physically or verbally. The hardest thing a parent must learn is how to discipline their child effectively without getting out of hand and hurting them. 

Relationship-centered orientation

I have always been an assertive person, never giving in or agreeing with someone else just to avoid conflict. When it comes to dealing with conflicts, I feel that I tend to take a relationship-centered orientation. I think that I lean towards this orientation because it allows me to be assertive and share my opinions, yet I still respect others’ opinions and listen to what they have to share.

Being assertive is part of this orientation and I cannot remember a time where I was not assertive in a conflict. The outcomes of my conflicts usually satisfy me when using this orientation, but I still have trouble when it comes to collaboration and compromise. I use both but tend to lean towards collaboration.

The other orientations discussed in this chapter do not seem to fit the way I am at all so I feel that I always use the assertive relationship-centered orientation. Whether it is family, boyfriend or friends I do not switch off the way I deal with conflict. Now, of course I do not speak to my parents the same way I speak to my friends, but I am assertive to both just in different manners of speaking. I think I just need to work on collaboration versus compromise to get better outcomes.

Productive conflict

Productive conflict is when both parties do their best to not lead into a bigger problem. It is when all those involved reach a common solution and listen to each other’s opinions and thoughts without violence, anger or animosity from past feelings. People with this view believe that everyone can achieve their goal even though conflict is involved.

Productive conflict stood out to me because prior to taking this class I realized that the way I was handling my personal conflicts was not successful. By realizing this, I thought that I should make a change and start to handle conflicts differently than before.

After reading this chapter I was glad to learn what each term meant and I now know which ways I can make my conflict a productive one. By using the concept of productive conflict, I can make better decisions when I am faced with problems in the future.

Non-process view of communication

After reading chapter 2, I learned that the process view of conflict has five different steps; the prelude to conflict, triggering event, initiation of conflict, differentiation phase, and resolution phase. In order to successfully reach the final step, which is the resolution, one must go through all the other steps.

I take a non-process view of communication by not going through all the steps, which in my relationships causes friction. By not going through the process, I do not let myself or whom I am talking to, reach a resolution. I have not usually thought of this process, instead I just let the conflict begin and then bump heads with the other person until we either reach a solution or just stop talking about it and never reach an end.

To change my view of this process, I should try to go through every step instead of just trying to jump from the beginning of the conflict to a forced resolution. By taking each step one at a time, will give way to much more opinions and views of what the best resolution is.

Is conflict an inborn trait?

Humans are born into a world of conflict. I believe that it is an inborn trait because if you take a look at a baby, you can notice that they already have a sense of conflict. I say this because if you look at child who can walk and talk, you can see that they do not agree with everything and cause conflicts with their parents. Whether it is not wanting to eat their food, or yelling for their toy, conflict starts when we enter this world.

Although I think conflict is an inborn trait, I also believe that the amount of conflict one encounters in their lives depends on who they associate themselves with, the type of environment they grew up in and other aspects. One can have very little conflict or have a whole lot of conflict. This does not make us any more or less human, but can be a valuable asset if people learn how to manage conflict and have a positive view towards it.

Some people learn how to deal with conflict better than others, resulting in them having less conflict in their lives. Conflict is part of our lives but does not make us more human because other creatures such as animals also live with conflicts. As the author said in chapter 1, “conflict is here to stay”, so we should all learn to make the best of it.

Introductory Post

Hey class! Hope everyone's year is starting off well.
My alias name is city415. I chose this because I am from San Francisco and love my city =). I am currently a junior at SJSU and plan to graduate in spring 2014. I think this class will be helpful in teaching me how to learn about different ways of getting one's point across without causing conflict. I am a Communications Studies major and Public Relations minor. I am really into sports, especially football since my boyfriend is a college football player. I want to take this passion into my career field and maybe work with a sports team or individual athletes. I do not have any professional communication experience, but being from Brazil and having learned about so many different cultures already, I feel I can communicate effectively without setting racial barriers. I am looking forward to this class and hope everyone has a good time!